Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.
Like last night.
We’ve started to turn the TV off at night when we are in bed to promote a better, more restful sleep. But for me, sometimes noise is better. It distracts me. My mind is always working, thinking and wondering. Because it’s in these quiet moments that it finds me.
My mind lets its guard down and I feel all the feelings that I pretend I don’t have.
Earlier that day I saw a post about infertility and it said, “…with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole, and you matter.”
I didn’t think of it much then. I was at work. I was busy.
But now, silent in my bed, I started to cry.
Odd, too. We were going to go for a walk that evening but it looked like rain was on its way, so we opted out. But dinner came and went, and nothing happened. It was now a little past midnight, and it was like the sky was waiting for me. Because the literal second I started to cry, it started to rain.
It felt as though the Universe was like, “I feel ya, girl. I feel ya. I’m sad for you, too.”
It’s in these moments that we look for signs of hope. At least I do. Was God talking to me? Saying he hears me? He acknowledges my struggle?
Honestly there are days, weeks, months that go by that I am absoultely OK with the life I have been blessed with. My freedom to go and do what I please. I enjoy that my life is still centrally-focused around myself and my husband.
I think what has changed the most is seeing my friends’ babies. Watching them interact and see on their face how much they love that little thing smiling back at them. Seeing their faces in that new soul. How special would it be to make something like that.
Women are magnificent, really. They are like portals connecting earth and heaven.
What a great life’s purpose it would be to grow a miracle. A new person. In my heart I feel an amazing being that wants to be born, but my body isn’t following through. So in my heart I guess they will have to stay for now.
That is why this health and fitness ‘journey’ I’m on is basically therapy. I’ve found something else I can focus my time and energy on. I’m proving to myself that while my body can’t do this one thing, it’s capable of doing a lot of other things, too.
The sky cried with me last night. And for now, I guess that will have to do.
xo | LS